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My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
#NeverForget
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.