Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
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[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Finally! 😈
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
getting groceries