Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Good day meowlady
* tips cat