Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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my dog when i have a friend over
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
If you know, you know
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven