Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
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Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
drew a comic about my origin story
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.