[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial