My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Happy Febuary everyone!
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”