Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
worst…sale…ever
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Batman v Dracula
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.