An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
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*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.