Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
🤣dope
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
this is how life feels
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller