I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
motivation
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u