What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.