Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.