#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”