War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
#Caturday
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
You know…for fall…
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no