We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
You Might Also Like
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless