[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.