i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
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My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already