likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
This is Sparta
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.