When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Just a reminder, folks:
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?