My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
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*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.