*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
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If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
handsome & gretel
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse