Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.