Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I cannot call her anything else now
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.