PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
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[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet