If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My five year plan is a meteorite
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!