Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.