[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
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50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint