5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
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Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.