A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Strange
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.