The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Here’s a meme
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?