ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”