Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
You Might Also Like
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
This made me chuckle.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
🙁