My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
👾👾👾
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.