You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
You Might Also Like
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Happy Febuary everyone!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.