Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
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Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Very good news from my accountant
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.