I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
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[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this