Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
You Might Also Like
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.