If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.