calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
The “baby” on the left….
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Good dog. ❤️
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]