watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Selfie
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?