(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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definitely did not do anything wrong
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
podcasts
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.