A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
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To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
The USS B port
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen