channeling her this year
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Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Happy Taco Tuesday
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.