robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
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ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
The options really are this bad
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.