Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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incredible text to wake up to
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Reporter: *ports again*
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Rather alarming headline…
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me