Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.