I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
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I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
how much for the angry fruit?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven