How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
stop
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.