M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
You Might Also Like
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.